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From Judging to Loving

By October 30, 2016April 24th, 2017Transcripts, Read

Transcript from a meeting with James Eaton on 30 October, 2016

Q: When I feel into my body, it feels like an iron hand here (indicates at her head), and lots of tension behind the eyes, as if something would press down on the eyes. It never goes, even if I feel relaxed and great.

James: Yeah, for me, when I would sit and drop down into the deeper, more obscure layers of experience, there was an image of – I think I shared this before – of certain characters standing over me, pointing their fingers, telling me what to do and how to be, and something in me saying: “Fuck you! I’m gonna do it my way.” And then this word came up: hardheaded. Literally hardheaded, like putting on a helmet and going into battle. There is a lot of tension in the head, it’s literally the physical manifestation of this wilfulness: I will do it this way! And as we were saying before, at a certain time in my life, when I was younger, that was absolutely necessary; to not get knocked off my own unique direction. But it’s not necessary now. So, part of my ‘path’ has been to see that, to honour it, to really acknowledge it. Really acknowledging it with such love, such kindness, for how it has helped me in the past, me as James in my life story. And then, it softens, in it’s own time. And this here too, around the brow, and the jaw…

Q: It feels like a real control machine. My thoughts have to be controlled, otherwise I reek endless devastation here, hurt everybody around me.

James: Tension in the head doesn’t do any controlling. That’s the illusion. The tension gets stuck onto the idea of ‘I’m controlling my thoughts’. So let that definition, that description fall away; as you feel into the tension can you actually see those words here now?….no, there is simply a tension.

Q: In the moment it gets stronger, it nearly shuts my eyes.

James: So let it get stronger. Let it really expand… Yes… keep feeling into it… always as this aware openness that you truly are, that has no agenda, that is your true ground, your true support, in which everything is welcome…

See if it brings anything with it… an image, a thought, anything.

Q: Ohhh… the image was of me as a tiny baby in the war. Everything around me just falling apart and my Mum in total horror… (starts to cry). There is nowhere to turn…

James: Nowhere to turn, no escape… (breathing with her while she cries)

Q: It was like if I shut down, then it doesn’t happen.

James: Yeah, protection. It’s your hard hat, literally, to protect you.

Q: (she cries softly)… that image never came to me before when I felt into it.

James: Beautiful, so it’s speaking now. There is space for it to speak. It’s revealing itself. We can even honour that now, acknowledging and honouring that, it’s trying to save you.

Q: I always thought when I felt into it… it was always: I have to let go of my control (cries more intensely)

James: Yeah, you see the different flavour? From judgment, from, “I have to get rid of this,” to, “Ah, this hard head trying to save me in my difficult moments in my life,”… ah… an embracing energy, instead of a pushing away energy. That’s Love (breathes with her).

Q: I guess it’s also connected to these times when my mind gets so mad, because it gets overwhelming this tension… and I think something is wrong with me… (laughs). It’s just another pin into this Love.

James: Everything is a doorway in. Everything. There is a Rumi poem where he says: “The door opens. I’ve been knocking from the inside.” So even the ‘way in’ is not really right, because you’re not outside trying to get in, you’re already here. When the door opens it opens from the inside. In fact even the idea of that falls apart, because you can never find an ‘outside’ to be ‘inside’ of.

Q: Thank you, (to the others in the room) thank you thank you.

James: Thank you!

Q: (Stays on the chair)… it’s hard to leave… (laughter)